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Best Jokes - Rdi Print & Publishing Ltd

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Best Jokes

RDI PRINT & PUBLISHING LTD.

MUMBAI

Published in India by Ashok Mahadevan for RDI Print and Publishing Ltd from (Regd Office) Orient House, Adi Marzban Path, Mumbai 400 001 and printed by him at Manipal Press Limited, Manipal.

Preface “L aughter the best medicine” is a term coined by Reader’s Digest

and we deliver small doses in every issue of the magazine. But we sometimes need an extra-large booster to get into really great shape, and this book — a collection of the best jokes from all over — is it. This book is guaranteed to keep you in good humour for a long time to come. But don’t keep its benefits to yourself — tell them to your family, friends and colleagues. You’ll become their favourite physician.

This booklet is offered free of cost to select readers of Reader's Digest. It cannot be sold by any party, nor displayed in any bookshop, stall or retail outlet, nor used for any commercial purpose whatsoever.

Laser Typesetting by Aqeel Associates, Mumbai 400 011. Phones : 2309 0621 / 2301 0452

Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference.

‘How are you going to travel on a single ticket?’ asked a lawyer. ‘Wait and watch,’ answered one of the engineers.

At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.

Men who treat women as helpless and charming playthings deserve women

who treat men as delightful and generous bank accounts.

When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the thre e engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, ‘Ticket please.’ The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip. So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy any. ‘How are you going to travel without a ticket?’ asked one of the perplexed lawyers. ‘Wait and watch,’ answered an engineer. In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, ‘Ticket, please.’

A foreign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the

Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it took to build. “Twenty years,” replied the guide. ‘You Indians are a lazy lot,” the tourist said. “In my country, this could have been built in five.’ At Agra he admired the Taj’s beauty and asked how many years it took to build. ‘Only ten years,’ said the guide. The tourist retorted: ‘You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings in two-and-a-half.’ In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: ‘I don’t know. It wasn’t there yesterday evening.”

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Maid: What do you want, sir?

Visitor: I want to see your master. Maid: What’s your business, please? Visitor: There is a bill... Maid: Ah! He left yesterday for his village... Visitor: Which I have to pay him... Maid: And he returned this morning.

Overheard at the veterinarian’s: ‘I had my cat neutered. He’s still out all

night with the other cats, but now he’s a consultant.’

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W hen an efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary, he

turned her down, saying: ‘Your salary is already higher than that of the secretary at the next desk. And she has five children.’ ‘Excuse me,’ the efficient woman replied, ‘I thought we got paid for what we produce here—not for what we produce at home in our own time.’

Two terrorists were driving to the location where they intended to plant a

bomb, which one of them had in his lap. ‘Drive a little faster, the bomb may go off any minute,’ said the man carrying the explosive. ‘Don’t worry,’ the driver assured him, ‘we have got a spare one in the boot.’

A small farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came

charging towards him. As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly continued his milking. To everyone’s astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away . ‘Weren’t you afraid?’ one of the workers asked the boy. ‘Not at all,’ the boy replied , ‘I knew this cow was his mother-in-law.’

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B oy to mother: I’ve decided to stop studying.’

‘How come?’ asked the mother. ‘I heard that that someone was shot dead, because he knew too much.’

A patient complains to a famous psychologist: ‘Professor, I’ve been having

terrible obsessions for years, and no one has ever been able to help me.’ ‘Who’s been treating you until now?’ ‘Dr Lal Rathor.‘ ‘I see. He’s an idiot. I’m curious to know what he advised you to do.’ ‘To come and see you.’

or their first anniversary, a man bought his young wife a cell phone. She was thrilled and listened eagerly as he explained all its features. The next day she was out shopping when the phone rang. ‘Hey, darling,’ he husband said. ‘How do you like your new phone?’ ‘Oh, I just love it!’ she gushed. ‘It’s so cute and small—and your voice sounds so clear. But there’s just one thing I don’t understand.’ ‘What’s that?’ ‘How did you know I was at the sari shop?’

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